


Visit of the Past

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Healing, Hurt, Talking, visitings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2019-01-03 20:00:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12153771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: After twenty years, the visitings begin again. And Simon gets an unexpected visitor: The Mage is back and there are many things unsaid between them.





	Visit of the Past

Twenty years are a lot of time. But there are some wounds that will just never heal. There are wounds, so deep and and old, you might forget them some day because you get used to it.

Such a wound ran right across Simon Snow's heart.

Within twenty years, a lot of things change. They improve and change colour. They turn and twist and if you go lucky, you end up with something beautiful.

And sometimes, we stumble across something familiar, something we remember from long ago. Perhaps it's a blurry photograph or an old acquaintance you pass on the street. Or maybe it's just a feeling that you have only felt once in your lifetime but that you would never forget.

So when Simon was awoken one night by a chill, he only wondered for one moment whether he had left the window open. He knew that this was no normal chill because he could feel the magic in the air. His heart rate sped up and he clutched his blanket. His first instinct was to turn to Baz and wake him up but then the curiosity got the best of him and he switched on the bedside lamp.

Could it really be? After all this time?

Simon squinted against the moonlight that shone in from the window. Now he recognized the outlines of a person and with that, he was sure. He'd seen this before. A visiting. Someone was coming through the veil.

Simon drew in a breath in suspense. He was frozen and couldn't move. Hope and fear were both curling in his stomach. Then the figure became clearer and something inside of Simon snapped, just tore apart. He wasn't able to breathe. After all these years?

He still looked exactly like he did before he died. Around the same age that Simon was now. Still that moustache... Still the person Simon had looked up to and admired for years. Still... It all came crushing in as Simon was confronted with that image. All the things he'd done, terrible things. All the lies he'd told. So the first words Simon said were: “How dare you?”

The mage looked still intimidating and unapproachable. But Simon was not afraid of him. Instead, he felt angry and lost. But there was also something else in the mage's gaze.

“There is something I have to tell you,” he stated. “A secret that I've been keeping from you.”

“Don't you fucking dare!”

Simon's voice was low and filled with rage. He didn't even recognize that voice himself. Without realizing, he had sounded just like his father. And Simon acknowledged that, in fact, the wound hadn't healed. And now it started bleeding again.

“Do you even know what you did to me?”  
“Simon-”

“I trusted you! You were like _a father_ to me!”  
“Actually, that's why I-”

“No! Just this once, I am talking. And there's a lot I never got to say to you.”

“Fine. I-”  
The mage looked down and for a moment Simon wondered whether he felt guilty.

“I'll listen.”

“So first off, fuck you. Fuck you for killing Ebb, for abusing and using me, for being a maniac and a murderer and- and-”

Simon was crying now and he just couldn't help it.

“And I hate you because you destroyed my life, you- You are one of the reasons I was so messed up and how could you? How could you betray me like that? How much did you know? There are so many questions you never answered!”

“Simon, I-”  
“I loved you and I don't think you ever loved me and that's freaking painful. It's not like... I just... I haven't thought about this in a long time and I am fine now, but you broke me and you're not even sorry for it.”

Now the mage stayed silent and waited.

“You were supposed to be the one who kept me safe and made me feel loved. But you didn't. And there are so, so many things I wanted to say to you.”

By now, Simon had cooled down and his anger had almost vanished.

“I never wanted this to happen. It didn't mean to kill you. I wanted to sort things out between you and me. I wanted to do this right.”  
Tears kept rolling across Simon's cheeks and now the mage was speechless. It almost seemed like he did care about Simon after all.

“And the last thing I wanted to tell you was that... I loved you. And I love you. You did so many things wrong, but... You were like a father to me and I feel like... you just kind of sucked at the job. So what is it that you came for?”  
For a moment, it seemed like the mage wanted to reach out for Simon. He looked like a ghost but he looked like he felt something, in that very moment, something that made him regret and weep. It was something that burned inside him and it made him realize what was for the best.

“I-” _I'm your father. I abandoned you when your mother died. I should've taken care of you. I didn't mean to break you. I couldn't do it without her. Your parents were magicians. And your mother, she loved you. And I loved you, too. But I guess you've got everything under control. And this would just mess things up. I can't do that to you another time. I can't let you know that you killed her. You shouldn't live with that knowledge. I know you. I know it would tear you apart. And I know that you would never want me as your father. Because you're right. I failed at being a parent. So I guess, there's only one thing I can say to you._

“I am sorry. Simon Snow, I am so, so sorry. I should've been there when you needed me. I guess I just lost sight of what was important. I lost sight of... you. All my life, I've been fighting for my believes without realizing that I lost them along the way. I shouldn't have dragged you into my affairs. I should've given you... everything. Because that's what you deserve.”

_I should've given you and Lucy a family, a normal life, and most importantly, all my love. This is only for your best._

Simon cried and the mage smiled at him. Through his tears, Simon smiled back.

He still couldn't say that he forgave him but he did feel better. The mage vanished and Simon kept staring at the window, as though he'd come back. But somehow, Simon felt whole, as if he'd found something that he didn't even know had been missing.

And maybe sometimes even very old, very painful wounds heal, if only you find the right words.

 


End file.
